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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26675944">Drabbles</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/warriorcat04/pseuds/warriorcat04'>warriorcat04</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Original Work</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Other, Poetry</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 13:26:43</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,439</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26675944</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/warriorcat04/pseuds/warriorcat04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>TRIGGER WARNING!!! Do not read if you are experiencing symptoms of depression, urges to self harm, suicidal thoughts/plans, or anything that is impacting your mental health negatively.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Last warning. Do NOT read if you struggle with depression, anxiety, self harming behaviors, suicidal thoughts, or any other mental issues.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>As the screaming stops, the silver blades come out, red lines are drawn to sooth her silent scream filled with pain.<br/>
The sadness inside her tears her apart, no cares to say if they feel the same.<br/>
Does she know that there's a God above who can see her broken heart?<br/>
Does she know that His own heart breaks every time her arms meet those blades in the dark?</p><p>Some time later, the blood slows its flow and the girl hides away her blades.<br/>
She wants to destroy them, but how can she? It's how she deals with all the pain.<br/>
When her parents find out, they're heartbroken and shocked.<br/>
The girl had to tell them herself, they didn't know anything was wrong.</p><p>In the strange new room, she hides her arms with cloth.<br/>
The person across from her seems to ask the girl to take it off.<br/>
How can she want to see who I really am, the person known as me?<br/>
I'm full of scars and damaged parts. I can't, won't let this come to be.</p><p>She hides from help for anything else beyond what she told her folks.<br/>
"Why do they need to know everything? It's not like it'll help me, it just sucks."<br/>
Years of more trauma build up, putting cracks in the pristine glass.<br/>
This time, superglue and tape won't help. The girl will shatter as time will pass.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Inspired by Hamilton.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Reflections on events during a college hangout, inspired by It's Quiet Uptown from Hamilton.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> <strong>                                                   There are moments that the words don’t reach...</strong> </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I couldn’t help being quiet. All my triggers were too much for me. I look around at my friends, all gathered here in the dorms. I give a sad smile as I realize I can’t stay here for too much more.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> <strong>                                                       There is suffering too terrible to name…</strong> </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I felt it bubbling up inside me like a volcano. The panic, fear. Terror. I had never felt this way before. I tried to think about the life I wanted, but other voices were way too loud.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> <strong>                                                       You hold your child as tight as you can...</strong> </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I shriek as I hear that all too familiar sound of flesh smacking flesh and I curl in on myself, trying to protect the younger me inside. I struggle to breathe for a moment.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> <strong>                                                           And push away the unimaginable…</strong> </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I hear silence all around me now. People ask if I’m okay. I laugh and then I can’t breathe. I push down the anxiety attack as hard as I can.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> <strong>                                                        The moments when you’re in so deep…</strong> </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I try so hard to fight when all I want to do is break and cry. When all I want is to be safe.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> <strong>                                                           It feels easier to just swim down...</strong> </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I almost do, but then I remember what happens when I let people in. I get hurt. So I shove it down farther, even though it hurts me so badly.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> <strong>                                                           The Hamilton's move uptown...</strong> </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I grab the side of the couch and order myself to breathe. In and out. Slow. Controlled. Nothing happened.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> <strong>                                                     And learn to live with the unimaginable…</strong> </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When I come to, everyone is looking at me, concern on their faces. It scares me. It’s not safe for them to be concerned about me. It’s not safe for attention to be on me.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> <strong>                                             There are moments that the words don’t reach…</strong> </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She asks if I’m good. I speak the learned lie. No one looks away. I yell for their safety. They need to look away. But I wish something else had happened.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> <strong>                                                    There is a grace too powerful to name…</strong> </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I wish I had let myself cry. Let myself be vulnerable with them. They deserve that much from me.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> <strong>                                               We push away what we can never understand…</strong> </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Instead I push away as hard as I can. I never let them in. They must always stay on the outside of things. I can’t let them be hurt by my past. I can’t…</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> <strong>                                                      We push away the unimaginable…</strong> </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I can’t imagine what letting their love in will feel like. They want me to come back tomorrow, but with this freak out I can’t! They know something is wrong, they don’t take the narrative.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> <strong>                                                                It’s quiet uptown…</strong> </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I don’t know how to hold on. They love me… How?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> <strong>                                                      Forgiveness… Can you imagine?...</strong> </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>What would happen if I let them in? What would happen if I worked through until I could forgive? I can’t imagine forgiveness, I can’t imagine love. They are one in the same.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> <strong>                              <span class="u">Why have I never felt this way before?? Why am I feeling the unimaginable?</span></strong> </em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Anger Rap</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Read it like it's a rap and it'll hopefully make more sense. I basically made this up, but I hope it's worth the read.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>

<p></p><div>
  <p>                                                                                        You will never see me again!</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>When I decided to take them outta my life, I never thought that it would lead to this.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>They say they don’t know what they did, they say “You can’t be serious.”</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You don’t know what you’re saying, you will not treat us like this.”</p>
</div><div>
  <p> But I do know what I mean, you trying to deflect and protect yourself from this.</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Unwilling to acknowledge the pain and terror that you placed on your baby girl.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Saying that it’s all her fault, you never wanted to do her ill.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Well guess what, I’m done playin in your sick games!</p>
</div><div>
  <p>I’d rather take a shotgun and stick it right to my face!!</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>I never wanted this. I never wanted this either.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>But you forced my hand.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>There’s a difference between being alive and thriving.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>I’m sick of surviving.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>And no, you said that you’ve never done it.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>You sayin that your worlds this close to perfect.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Well lemme shatter your perspective,</p>
</div><div>
  <p>lemme give the real dig..</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>(Back up, back up)</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>(Year 5!)  </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>I remember you being unusually angry.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>I remember you gettin mad for as little as the volume on the tv.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>I remember when you threw the stick at me.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>I remember the mark it left, I remember you saying that you were sorry.</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>(Year 6!)  </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>I remember being picked up for no real reason.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>I remember being beaten cuz you needed something to appease your anger and frustration.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>So I guess I might have deserved it, I guess I might have needed it.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>But that don’t explain the fact that you broke your promises to your children!!!</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>(Year 8!)  </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Nah, you guys thought I wasn’t gonna bring up all your parenting mistakes.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Well guess what, it’s wishful thinking to believe that those mistakes never gave me heartaches.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>You punished me for things that I never really did.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>You yelled and screamed and manipulated me into the way you wanted me to feel oh!</p>
</div><div>
  <p>And then you’re confused as to why I say I can’t and won’t ever trust you!!</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>(Year 14!)  </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Yeah, as you’ve been noticing, I’ve been skipping some years.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>I know you wonder why, but I’ll explain it through your acting tears.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>This was the year when I was in pain and afraid</p>
</div><div>
  <p>and acting out because I was never taught how to deal with hurt and pain.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Instead you take me up for another beating, explain it away as my un-submission.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Well I’m sorry for having my own emotions, sorry that you love my sister too much to help me deal with them.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>It’s not like we weren’t going through the exact same thing.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>No, you are just too important</p>
</div><div>
  <p>to worry about your kids fragile emotions,</p>
</div><div>
  <p>so listen when I tell you that I don’t care how you feelin now.</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>(Year 15!)  </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>This was the last time you laid a hand on me.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>It was because I convinced you I needed mental help, not another beating!</p>
</div><div>
  <p>You finally believed me, you didn’t take the lie,</p>
</div><div>
  <p>that I was fine,</p>
</div><div>
  <p>so just hit me more, we both know it’ll make you feel better in the end times.</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Well now I’ve left home and I’m never going back there to stay.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>It’s too dangerous, my parents are gonna use my humanness to their advantage,</p>
</div><div>
  <p>don’t tell me that it ain’t true</p>
</div><div>
  <p>when you use my bro as the bag to hit and abuse</p>
</div><div>
  <p>until I come back and finally resubmit!!!</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Don’t tell me that I don’t know what I’m feeling,</p>
</div><div>
  <p>don’t tell me that I don’t know what I’m doing.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>You don’t know my heart,</p>
</div><div>
  <p>I locked you out so I could continue to fight for my life,</p>
</div><div>
  <p>I can’t take this life,</p>
</div><div>
  <p>I don’t care about myself,</p>
</div><div>
  <p>I care about him.</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Why are you using him to get to me?</p>
</div><div>
  <p>What’s so bad about me deciding to leave?</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Is it the control? Is it the serving?</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Is it the fact that I might make up my own damn mind about something?</p>
</div><div>
  <p>You wanna assume my feelings, go ahead,</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>but if you do this, you will never see me again...</p>
</div>
  </div></div>
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